Goal line technology’s staunch opposition

Andy Carroll’s headed effort in yesterday’s FA Cup Final reignited the debate over goal line technology once more. I say reignited, it has been raging on for quite some time now. Perhaps it is fairer to say that Andy Carroll’s headed effort found more fuel and burnt some more of the surrounding environment to a crispy ash, leaving many people homeless.

“Why don’t bladdy FIFA just introduce bladdy goal line technology already?” cried all of nation’s blokes-down-the-pub collectively en masse.

It has come to Shilts’ learned* attention that plans afoot to introduce goal line technology and appease the self appointed spokesmen of football have been prevented, not as a result of Sepp Blatter’s mixture of trademark incompetence and unwavering Luddite attitude, but rather due to a press boycott.

Though seemingly appearing to champion such reforms through giving every marginal incident such extensive coverage that the actual game itself is long forgotten, the media have aligned themselves directly against any changes for precisely this reason.

“If goal line technology was introduced, what the bollocks would we talk about after a game?!” muttered Mark Lawrenson, in an exclusive interview (with someone else). He may have muttered this, but Shilts was listening through a wall and has hearing difficulties, so the quote may not be verbatim.

“They would expect opinion and insight! We can’t give that! Rugby has video technology, have you ever seen rugby punditry? They merely shrug and say ‘that was a game of rugby’ after the game and that’s it. I want to get say how ridiculous a difficult decision is over and over again, despite having access to multiple video replays and still not coming to any conclusive conclusion, and then insist that the moment could have ‘changed the outcome entirely’.” argues Andy Townsend, displaying rare opinion and insight.

“Had Lampard’s goal against Germany been given, we would have had to find an entirely different reason to blame for England’s inevitable loss,” admitted one tabloid journalist. “These possible referring blunders are the sorts of decisions which mean we don’t have to analyse tactics and player performance beyond a few basic statistics and bias assertions. Football is all about opinion, not actual football, that’s the beauty of the game, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Beauty of the game. Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…” Shilts backed away as the journalist proceeded to enter a trance like stasis.

So there you have it. Video technology will not be introduced so that we can get more outraged at possibly incorrect decisions and express our outrage that we have to express our outrage at these possibly incorrect opinions in an ad nauseam loop. That’s what football’s all about though really isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…

Carroll fails to score a goal. Correct call. No technology needed.

The entire ball blatantly didn’t go over the line.

*read: ill-informed

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FA Cup Final: Chelsea vs Liverpool – As it happened!(ish)

“For those who can’t be doing with taking in a game of footballs on the far superior mediums of TV and internet streams and inexplicably preferred to read an incomptent blogger’s account instead.”

Starting from half time. Obviously.

Chelsea (Ramires 11, Drogba 51) 2 – 1 (Carroll 63) Liverpool

FULL TIME

Chelsea win, Di Matteo makes his inevitable sacking more undeserved. Drogba gets bored during the post match interview and runs off. Liverpool’s league failures are made to seem even worse. My fingers ache. That is all for now.

96 mins: Glenn Johnson gets the ball in the Liverpool half, holding onto it for a few seconds patiently until he can pick out the perfect pass. The final whistle blows.

95 mins: The ball splutters about in the Liverpool half, Reina buffoonishly rushes out and Chelsea desperately try and score a long range goal with several pitiful long range attempts.

94 mins: Miracle Gerrard concedes a cynical foul on Drogba, Frankie Lamps tests Reina with the free kick.

93 mins: ‘Miracle’ Gerrard miraculously over hits a cross field pass which miraculously goes out for a miracle Chelsea goal kick.

92 mins: Tyldesley is willing Liverpool to equalise, they’re pumping balls into the box with no success, it’s like trying to spunk in a fly’s mouth.

90 mins: Andy ‘high standards’ Townsend gives the man of the match award to Juan Mata for (paraphrase) ‘playing well for 66% of the match’, as the Spaniard is substituted. It’s almost like he just made an arbitrary choice upon seeing Mata’s name being mentioned in an effort to seem insightful whilst not being obvious…

89 mins: Liverpool win some corners from other corners and finally end the loop by not scoring.

88 mins: The stage is set for Stevie ‘headline maker’ Gerrard. That stage is Wembley, the act is a free kick, the script has him punt the ball into the wall.

86 mins: Smoke.

85 mins: Tyldesley remembers to plug the final’s sponsors after nearly a full 90 mins, and does so with expert tactlessness. Shilts will not degrade himself with such commercialism by typing the name of said beer company on his Toshiba computer and posting it on his Virgin Media boosted internet site.

84 mins: Kenny Dalglish’s face looks like it was drawn in wet sand with a stick.

82 mins: Big moment. Carroll bonces in a header destined for the net, Cech dashes the ball into the underside of the crossbar and it’s cleared. Carroll celebrates but the linesman makes the correct call. BIG MOMENT. BIG. B.I.G. Notorious.

80 mins: Some lovely interplay results in Suarez cutting the ball back altogether too lamely, it dribbles out to Henderson, who spanks it over.

78 mins: Drogba is fine.

77 mins: Drogba hurts his every fragile testicles again, an injury which develops into a pain in his leg. Play is stopped whilst Chelsea’s physios have to begrudgingly play along with his charade once more, presumably pretending to remove his balls from his leg.

76 mins: Waiting to be substituted on for Ramires, Raul Meireles grabs his groin and thrusts it outwards on the sideline.

75 mins: Carroll manages to stay upright this time, nodding narrowly over. He shouts at the ref. Not sure why. Insight.

74 mins: Carroll goes for a header and flattens two defenders, like a graceless Acme anvil.

71 mins: Shilts’ companion claims that Suarez looks like Nigel Thornberry from the cartoon The Wild Thornberrys on account of his long nose and teeth. Shilts disagrees.

69 mins: The ball comes into the Chelsea area from the right, Carroll heads it backwards, the ball hangs in the air, the crowd roar, Steven Gerrard aims for the top corner. And twats it into the Thames.

67 mins: Suarez spins on the spot a la DBergkamp. I can’t be bothered to write Dennis.

66 mins: Buoyed by their goal, Liverpool realise that football is able to be won by scoring goals, an embark on a flurry of attempts at scoring one. Momentum scousers.

64 mins: GOAL! Chelsea dally on the ball, giving it to lanky pleb Andy Carroll, who scores from a very cute angle. Cuter than a kitten in a suit made of rainbows and Zooey Deschanel’s tears. One for the hipster kids.

63 mins: Juan Mata juggles the ball around then plays a backwards ball into Drogba who smashes the ball into the side of the goal.

61 mins: Suarez fouls Drogba in the Liverpool half, prompting referee Phil Dowd to squat his massive podgy frame down like he was laying an egg, which hatches into a foul.

60 mins: Liverpool look like they want to go home early; they’re pulling on their mother’s coat and saying ‘I’m bored mum, I want to go home, I need a wee.”

58 mins: Kalou gets into the left hand side of the Liverpool area and curls one wide to the right and then winces, probably because he trod on a tack or something.

56 mins: Clive Tyldesley talks about the ‘numerous sides and faces’ of Didier Drogba, presumably referring to the Ivorian’s two sides and one face.

54 mins: The ball goes up the other end and an extremely lacklustre clearance sees Liverpool effectively gently chip the ball into Drogba, who handballs and shanks it wide.

53 mins: Suarez smashes a ball in from the right into a sea of Chelsea shirts. They don’t like this and boot it away.

51 mins: GOAL! Didier Drogba scores in his 4th Wembley cup final, rifling one in at Pepe Reina’s bottom left hand corner. He then proceeds to do a celebration which starts like someone miming nipple discharge and then evolves into silly jumping dance where he looks like he’s trodden in an electrified puddle and regrets it.

49 mins: ITV cut to a shot of Kenny Dalglish standing in the Wembley technical areas, which look like a desolate car park. Unless Kenny Dalglish is in a desolate car park, in which case, excuse me Wembley architects.

48 mins: The teams are exchanging corners like Panini stickers that neither want. None come to any sort of fruition.

47 mins: Craig Bellamy punts his corner at the first man rubbishly. It’s probably because he looks like a character from Mummies Alive. Mummies can’t kick.

45 mins: And we’re off, broom broom, let’s drive to FA Cup final city. Are we there yet? Yes.

HALF TIME: Chelsea done went and scored an underwhelming goal, that’s all you need to know from the first half.

Sort of Looks Like #10: Jose Bosingwa and Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto 4

When not marauding around as a right back for Chelsea, Jose Bosingwa likes nothing better than stealing a car, mowing down some foo’s, then wasting some pigs with his AK47 before finally cheating to get a tank and blowing everyone up. Or so I’ve heard.

GTA IV’s Niko Bellic                                       

Jose Bosingwa

Transfer Deadline Day Live!(ish)

PhotobucketAs has become the norm, every deadline day Perez Shilton hands over blog duties to resident transfer expert Little Johnny who, as is the norm, chooses to report over increasingly unconventional hours. This time; from 15:45 to whenever he gets bored

15.45: Liverpool set to offer £35 million, Steven Gerrard’s limbs and Anfield in order to secure the services of Andy Carroll. Bit of a gamble.

15.49: My mate has just seen Edgar Davids get on the wrong bus after forgetting his glasses. He’s now travelling to Staines, maybe a move’s on the cards?

15.54: My uncle owns a kebab shop in Hereford and swears that Fernando Torres just came in and ordered a lamb doner. Then was sick everywhere.

16.16: Sorry for the delay, I saw something shiny and chased after it. I spoke to Harry Redknapp re Carroll’s transfer and he said: “£35 mil? Do you know how many times I could buy Pascal Chimbonda for that? Once. Then I’d sell him.”

16.19: Just seen Richard Dunne sheepishly enter an adult bookstore in Doncaster, then run out again crying.

16.22: Kevin Nolan is annoyed by Carroll’s departure as it means Shoala Ameobi now has to read to his kids instead. Shoala can’t read.

16.25: Arsene Wenger looks to continue his trend of signing shit French centre backs with his desperate pursuit of Jean Alain Boumsong. On mopeds.

16.33: This has been sent in by my mate Craig: “Ello jon, cn u come out l8r? plus i just saw michael essien in a park pleasuring himself”. After selling Andy Carroll, Newcastle will be looking to replenish their quota of players with criminal records, as is their tradition.

16.35: Avid reader Phil has sent in this: “Just seen Franny Jeffers in a sombrero! He looked well silly!” Thanks Phil…

16.39: My other uncle, a taxi driver (he exists I tell you!), apparently has Fernando Torres in the back and has been trying to find Stamford Bridge for 4 hours and has ended up at a Redditch motorway service station.

16.42: Tottenham have signed veteran striker Rod Stewart on a two year deal.

16.45: More news on the Fernando Torres taxi saga; they’re currently pulled in at a lay by as a head gaskett has blown. Nando’s happily munching on Hobknobs though.

16.48: Bad luck Birmingham, new loan signing Obafemi Martins has apparently failed a medical due to being ‘dead for at least 3 years.’

16.52: Sir Alex Ferguson is having considerable difficulty acquiring Charlie Adam as he is in the middle of a twenty five minute coughing fit on the phone after choking on a Ginsters.

16.57: Gary Neville has apparently shot down a rare bird with a bb gun over Kilmarnock and is now facing a court case with the RSPCA.

17.00: The time has come when Little Johnny has become bored. He is currently jamming Playdough up his nose, but wants to leave you with a few predictions of transfers to come later on; “Furious bidding war to escalate over John Aldridge. You can bet yo’ ass.” For legal reasons, Perez Shilton advises you not to bet your anus.

Sort of Looks Like #9: Salomon Kalou and Junior from Cool Runnings

Being beaten 3-1 by your London rivals is rarely a good thing, but Salomon Kalou can console himself thanks to Perez Shilton with the knowledge that he sort of looks like Rawle D. Lewis, aka Junior in Cool Runnings. Notable scene; “Pride, power, a badass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody” speech. Makes you want to go out and kick a bin over in rage, sending litter everywhere! Take that society! Then conscientiously pick up the bin and put all the litter back in it again.

Junior Bevil                                              Salomon Kalou

Yet Another 2010/2011 Premier League Preview: Chelsea

Chelsea

community shields: Chelsea v Manchester United - FA Community Shield

When Roman Abramovich first rocked up to Stamford Bridge with more cash than Ritchie Rich after putting all his money on red on a roulette wheel and having it come in, the Blues were scorned across the land for buying their way to glory. The billionaires at Manchester City eclipsing of Abramovich’s millions, like Megatron standing over a midget, has been a blessing for Chelsea’s PR image. Once seen as the playground dickhead who smugly showed off those light-up trainers his dad bought him, they have now piped down a bit after a new kid has turned up and boasted about how his dad owns the company that makes the trainers.

This coincided with their regaining of the title last season from the clutches of Manchester United with easily the strongest all round squad routinely dispatching opposition by huge goal margins. A poor pre-season and defeat to likely closest title rivals Manchester United in the Pointless Community Shield casts a small shadow of doubt over whether they can retain the title this season.

The Manager – Carlo Ancelotti

The suave Italian won the English FA Cup and Premier League double in his first season in charge, a clear statement of his managerial ability and intent. He also has the ability to raise his right eyebrow so high that sometimes he can make it disappear into his hairline.

Strengths

Huge strength and depth throughout the squad and with little to no obvious weak spots, and in Drogba they arguably, and probably, have the best striker in the world. Bar Dave Nugent.

Weaknesses

The sale of long time defensive stalwart Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid and loss of squad player Joe Cole to Liverpool could prove to costly, although centre back Alex’s impressive last season and the purchase of Yossi Benayoun could allay this problem.

Did you know?

John Obi Mikel, rumoured to be among the numerous Nigeria players who claim to be younger than they actually are, draws a weekly pension of £90 which he spends on Inspector Morse boxsets, gin and maintenance for his stair lift.

Best Chant

Salomon Kalou” (To the tune of The Animals Came In Two By Two)

Prediction

Certainly have the quality to win the title again, but Shilts has a sneaky feeling that they will be pipped by United. Second.