England’s training ground secrets revealed (and approximated)

Ahead of ANOTHER MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™ between England and Sweden, our resident snoop Staan Coollymoore (in know way affiliated with anyone who happens to have a strikingly similar name and appearance) has been observing the England team’s preparations at their training camp, having both covered himself in turf and pretended to be their pitch and hidden inside Gary Neville’s moustache. Here are his (more than likely exaggerated, if not entirely falsified) findings:

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James Milner has been rubbing butter on his knees to make them “extra supple”. This has attracted an army of tree ants who have been gnawing at the midfielder’s legs unrelentingly for the last two evenings, proving extremely counter effective. Expect him to be on the bench.

Steven Gerrard has been locked in exchange of nods between himself and his own reflection in the mirror for 10pm yesterday, where he wished himself goodnight. Unwilling to break scouse law and not return a nod, the coaching staff have been so far unsuccessful in their attempts to tear him away, making it touch-and-go whether or not they can do so before this evening’s fixture.

Jack Butland, who spent the entire plane journey yelling “WHY AM I HERE?!” to nobody in particular, has fallen into a deep existential crisis. After reading all of the works of Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, Butland has began work on his first novel about a young goalkeeper who massacres his entire team and then shrugs because it doesn’t matter.

Manager Roy Hodgson has taken to standing on the sidelines, popping a Werther’s Original in his mouth then glazing over and going ‘ahhhhhh’ for upwards of five minutes, before he repeats the process with another. England’s medical staff are worried that he has “given himself every type of diabetes” with this behaviour.

Michael Owen has sporadically turned up disguised as an unconvincing Danny Welbeck in an attempt to break back into the England squad, momentarily confusing former captain John Terry who was unsure whether to racially abuse pass to him or not.

Jordan Henderson has been unable to go outdoors due to the intense amount of Ukrainian paparazzi who have been following him, believing him to be someone else more noteworthy. Sid from Toy Story perhaps.

Theo Walcott has been running around the perimeter of the training camp yelling “Look how fast I am! Look!” for no obvious reason or use. Expect more of the same if he starts later.

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Schoolboy Match Reports: England 1 – 1 France Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from Monday’s Group D game between England and France. THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™

England 1 (Lescott, 30) – 1 France (Nasri, 38)

“It is Engerland kicking off their first game of the tournament, but where is Andrew Carol???? He is so good because he was bad all year but then he played in the FA Cup Finals and people say ‘no, he is good now he is offering England something else up front’ like coupons or something. Instead they are playing Daniel Wellbecks and my friend from school Al Oxslide Chainberlin. Mr Evans was very angry as he was ringing up sick and saying he couldn’t come in today but then there he is in the telly! Mr Evans says he will beat him when he gets back.

We are starting the game and Frank Riberstein is scaring Glen Johns every time he walks up to him and looks in Glen’s eyes. Glen kept screaming and saying ‘What is it?? What is it?!” and while he wasn’t looking Sammy Nasir had a shot but it was not a goal shot it was a goal kick shot and everyone is breathing a sigh of relief except the French fans who all hissed at once and covered the pitch in greb, but the commentary man says it is all about Engerland so we do not care about the French fans as they do not exist.

Al then got the ball and used the trick stick to go round two players but then he is thinking ‘if I score this, it will be the greatest goal of ever and it will be in a compilation DVD presented by Gareth Linachre’ and his greediness means he loses the ball. In school he never lets me have any of his crisps as he says his mum says he will get germs if he shares, so we spit in his packet when he isn’t looking and hope he gets chicken pox.

Then the commentary man says something amazing has happened: ENGERLAND HAVE SCORED! My dad jumped up and punched our lamp in happiness and it shattered everywhere and a bit of the glass hit me and made me bleed and mum said ‘what is wrong with you?’ and he said ‘fuck off I am enjoying the football’ and then they didn’t speak to each other all day. Stephence Gerhard is there with the free kick, he wooshes it in and Les Cott is there to power in the ball with his magic head that has a mystic triangle in it which makes him think faster than everyone but also a bit weird looking like a vegetable.

Everyone then says that it will be our year and that Roy Hodgsman is the best Hodgsman for the job as we are going to win Euro 2012! But then Sammy Nasir goes up the other end and is scoring and then putting his finger to his lips hoping that everyone will be quiet and enjoy his goal, but the crowd just keep making noise and he keeps shhhing them but they will not be quiet and in the end he gives up and walks home to the French half.

Then, even though I know Engerland are the most exciting team in the world to watch all the time, the game becomes really boring, even when Jordan Hendersman comes on who is the best football player that all of the fans want to see. Then it ends and nobody noticed and they all went ‘oh, it’s ended.’ and then walked off. I CAN’T WAIT FOR MORE OF THE FOOTBALL EURO 2012!

Schoolboy Match Reports: Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from yesterday’s Group B game between Netherlands and Denmark.

Netherlands 0 – 1 Denmark (Krohn Dehli, 24)

how can netherlands not even beat danmark?!? lmao, i don’t even know where it is, i think they made it up and netherlands are just losing to a team made of bits of wood found in a skip baso imo.

in 1st half, the team of oranges are just having all of the chances but they are being so bad goaling that my dad just laughed at the tv until he started choking on his peanuts and then mum took him to hospital. aryan robbin and afeleye were worse than wetting yourself in the middle of assembly and then having to take your trousers off and being known as ‘wee boy’ all year, but they carved out some decent efforts.

the worst man was the man with a duplo haircut, robert van persie, who is a great big idiot who is not scoring the goals all the time, so he has not opened his accounts and is still having to carry all of his goals in his van pursie and they are spilling out all over the floor and round the post but not into the goals lol. he is so overrated, he is like pombear crisps, i do not care for those ppl who say ‘he was so good last season’ you are moroons = he is just blatantly rubbish and has proved that in this last game.

one of the danmark players went up and then just ran at the defenseman one way and then the other way and the orange defenseman just didnt know what to do. in the end he just didnt tackle krohn’s deli and it goes through the keepers legs and its a GOOOOOOOAL! 1-0! the oranges found themselves eating humble pie made of orange and were not liking the taste of their own flavour.

danmark started to feel sorry for netherlands as they knew everyone would make fun of them for being totally cack so the keeper is just giving the ball to aryan robbin who cannot even score then! instead he hits the post and then stands there and thinks ‘what have i done? it was basically an open goal apart from the three defenders and goalkeeper in front of me, i might even quit and become a binman!’ in the end the manager came on to the pitch and slapped him in the face and said ‘NOT NOW ARYAN, PLEASE NOT NOW’.

 then the funniest ever moments of football happened when robert vp went to score a goal but instead kicked the air really hard! lol. even my nan could score that and she just stays in her big chair smoking and shouting out her window at foreign ppl. she would have to be allowed out first and mum says that she doesnt like taking granny sue anywhere because we always have to leave early because she gets so angry.

in literally the last second of the game, class jan huntinglark goes up and kicks the ball in the penalty box and the danmark man forgets how to play and thinks he is keeping goal and just slaps the ball like my friend terrance’s dad slaps him in the face. twice. it is probably because they do not have football in danmark and he just doesn’t know the rules so the ref says ‘i will let you off this time but i have called handball now so next time i will punish you’ but class jan just yells in the refs face, so the ref blows the final whistle and the game ends.”

Euro 2012 Live(ish) Text: Germany vs Portugal

The next best thing for all those unfortunate not to be able to make it to the ground; experiencing it through someone else’s living room n text form.

Germany 1 -0 Portugal

Full Time: I quite enjoyed that. BBC pundits castigating Portugal for playing defensive football until they conceded, which I think is unfair. The second half was at least even throughout and Portugal had a bucket full of chances. Controversial opinion I know, but if you’re offended by that then you should hear what I have to say about abortion… It’s whatever your opinion is, because I avoid confrontation on important issues and just nod and politely agree. So don’t stay offended too long, you grudge holding grump.

Anyhow, we all know that game means nothing as ENGERLAND weren’t involved and as a kind of media outlet, I have to purport that I’m not interested unless they’re playing.

Why does Alan Shearer think that a good broadcasting method is shouting his opinions whilst staring at Jake Humphries neck?

95 mins: The players are fine to play now. Doesn’t matter, final whistle, waste of time/FULL TIME.

93 mins: It’s taken the entire game plus the 3 minutes of added injury time for a corner to be dangerous, with Bruno Alves heading narrowly over. He injures himself and Schweinsteiger in doing so, causing the match to be extended past the planned +3 mins of injury time.

92 mins: After a fairly uneventful 4 mins, Ronaldo gets down the left hand side, pulls a ball back to Nani who punts the ball into Badstuber’s back. Corner to Portugal, they’ve been great at these today…

88 mins: Huge chance for Portugal. Olivera is denied from close range by a supreme Neuer save after a ball is incompetently left to slowly roll along the penalty area until it reaches the Portuguese in space.

87 mins: Klose gets all his birthday digs in one (the tradition where you punch the lucky birthday friend in the arms in accordance with how old they are, obviously) from Pepe in the form of a meaty shoulder barge.

85 mins: Hummels heads behind yet another dangerous looking cross which develops into yet another fruitless corner. A crunch corner perhaps, with vanilla choco balls.

83 mins: Coentrão fires n a shot which is deflected out for another rubbish corner. Nani then whips in a cross which Neuer nonchalantly leaves. It promptly crashes into his crossbar.

82 mins: There have been many corners this game. None of them good, including that last one from Portgual.

80 mins: Mats (no sic, its Mats, not Matt, so fuck off.)  Hummels mistakenly produces some Ronaldinho compilation video worthy tekkers, beating a few players before a foul is given against him.

79 mins: Now Klose gets his birthday wish, replacing goalscorer Mario Gomez. He is given the gift of patriotic pride, representing his national team at the highest level, rather than the Topman vouchers he actually wanted.

76 mins: Gomez has another chance to score, nearly meeting a low driven cross with his sliding leg, however he is too late and rather than adding goals to the scoreboard, he just adds mud to his arse.

75 mins: The ball is pinging up both ends like a really convulted game of ping pong. That was a professional different sport comparison there. That’s why nobody is paying me for it…

73 mins: Birthday boy Klose was about to replace Gomez, but is told to sit back down. He gives a thumbs up, but I can tell he#s crying inside, drowning his organs with tears.

72 mins: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! Mario Gomez scores a great headed effort, nodding the ball across the goalmouth after a really good Schweinsteiger’ cross. I’ve thrown up my insides.

71 mins: The crowd are still singing this chant. I am bored by it, both in terms of it’s content, and by the fact they’re just singing it on a loop like an irritating 10 hour long internet video.

69 mins: Boateng is booked for grasping CRon’s shoulders, trying an illegal leap frog manoeuvre there.

68 mins: The crowd seem to be singing an incredibly complex yet utterly boring (in terms of the melody) chant.

67 mins: The parp of the ref’s whistle signals yet another foul. Parp. Foul. Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul.Parp. Foul. Parp. Foul. This is the pattern of the game so far. It’s a horrible pattern and doesn’t suit you sir, keep the receipt.

65 mins: Keine Ziele Erlaubt!

64 mins: CRonaldo has a blocked expertly by Boateng, he morphs into the shape of a block with the words ‘no goals allowed’ written on it. In German.

63 mins: Raul Meireles semi accidentally punches Muller in the face in a scrap for the ball, then hugs his German counterpart. Ineffective wrestling move that one.

60 mins: I could see the content of the text in his eyes. Fábio Coentrão gets booked for a savage challenge.

59 mins: Crowd shot of Jose Mourinho getting a chain text about a girl with brain cancer. He laughs.

58 mins: Nasty challenge by Khedira on Moutinho, which he slinks away from, slowly slinking his way down stairs with his metallic spring mechanism.

57 mins: Podolski atones with a tremendous cross onto Gomez’s bonce. It bonces over though.

56 mins: Ozil plays another magical reverse pass into the box, but Podolski enthusiastically runs it out of play like a stupid dog.

54 mins: A ball is swung in and it bounces off Boateng’s balls. Neuer looks to gather it, but dodes so far too lackadaisically and it’s a Portuguese corner. Which comes to nothing.

52 mins: Boateng has the ball by the touchline in his own half, near his own corner flag, and inexplicably tries a backheel which predictably goes out for a throw in to Portugal. Absolutely shit.

51 mins: BUT the ball goes up the other end and Postiga is punished for pulling Khedira’s arm back. That’s exciting right! Right?

49 mins: CRon gets around Boateng using his skills, but once again Hummels heads behind for a corner, like a magnet. Except a shit magnet that doesn’t attach things to itself, but lets them fall off for corners. THE BILE RETURNS! But the corner is poor.

48 mins: The corner is punched away, the Portuguese come back and CRon puts an effort straight into Neuer’s hands. I’ve been sick and the excitement has subsided somewhat.

47 mins: Nani goes round Lahm, puts in a cross to the near post, but Mats Hummels produces a diving header behind for a corner. I’M SO EXCITED I WANT TO BE SICK!

46 mins: Second half is underway, and Germany respond to the first half’s dullness with a flurry of decent chances one after the other. WE SO EXCITED NOW.

Half Time: Despite missing most of that half, I can conclude that that was boring. But as a (sort of) broadcaster, I encourage you to stick with me! For why, I cannot say. Just do it. Please.

45 mins: Pepe smashes a shoot against the underside of the bar from a corner, it bounces off the line and immediately THE DEBATE ABOUT GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS REIGNITED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, TALKING POINT! Except the officials have got it right and no goal line technology is needed and Guy Mowbray can shut the fuck up.

43 mins: German fans are warned over the tannoy about throwing stuff about, mainly at Cristiano Ronaldo and therefore, by extension, the entire team. This only seems to give those who weren’t already throwing stuff the idea to throw stuff and more stuff is thrown.

42 mins: Badstuber gets a yellow for trying to smash Nani’s heels in with his boot. Poor heel smashing technique and Nani retains its heels.

41 mins: Portugal go up the other end and bosh one into the hoardings.

40 mins: Also it’s still 0-0. I return to see Thomas Muller rake one wide from a decent angle. A good shot of German’s looking ruffled follows.

39 mins: THE CURRY IS NOT BURNT. I REPEAT, THE CURRY IS NOT BURNT.

31 mins: Podolksi hasn’t scored though, he booted a decent effort into a fella in the top tiers face. BRB.

29 mins: Shilts has to professionally take a break to tend to a curry that he didn’t make and has been forced upon him. It might possibly burn, one of the teams might score, you’ll find out shortly.

26 mins: The two teams are scrapping like the Wombles in the aftermath of a natural disaster. Quite entertaining.

24 mins: Germany’s subsequent freekick is crap.

22 mins: Disallowed goal! Less exciting than it sounds. Khediara is fouled by a gentle caressing kick in the goolies from a stray boot in a challenge. The foot caressing doesn’t prevent him for putting a reverse pass into the box, which Gomez obligingly finishes, almost 30 seconds after the whistle had blatantly gone.

20 mins: My experience of this game has so far been that of close up crowd shots featuring fans noticing themselves on TV and gurning excitedly.

17 mins: The team exclusively made up of Cristiano Ronaldo jinks into the box and attempts to pass. Unfortunately for Ronaldo, being the sole Portuguese player and passer of the ball means that he also couldn’t quite get on the other end.

15 mins: WordPress informs me that this is my 100th post. Yay. I feel like I’ve thrown many pebbles in the internet sea and that the ripples have at best splashed at the ankles of a toddler and perhaps knocked him over. Good.

13 mins: Lawro talks about how tight the pitch is. He has a point, Mats Hummels is currently caught between the advertising hoardings from either side of the stadium, officials are currently freeing him.

11 mins: Helder Postiga is booked after a challenge on Manuel Neuer, seeing the German keeper going over somewhat theatrically and causing Mark Lawrenson to go into his obligatory masturbatory volley of snide sarcastic comments about diving. Let ’em here you Lawro.

10 mins: Mario Gomez creates the most exciting moment of the match, forcing a parry from Rui Patricio with a teasing effort after a low ball was rifled in.  

8 mins: If BBC ‘s billing of this game as Germany vs Cristiano Ronaldo is to be believed, the mercurial son buyer will have a tough time playing all 11 men on his own.

7 mins: Obviously Shilts starts this edition of live Group B international super hybole soccer 7 minutes late.