England’s training ground secrets revealed (and approximated)

Ahead of ANOTHER MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™ between England and Sweden, our resident snoop Staan Coollymoore (in know way affiliated with anyone who happens to have a strikingly similar name and appearance) has been observing the England team’s preparations at their training camp, having both covered himself in turf and pretended to be their pitch and hidden inside Gary Neville’s moustache. Here are his (more than likely exaggerated, if not entirely falsified) findings:

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James Milner has been rubbing butter on his knees to make them “extra supple”. This has attracted an army of tree ants who have been gnawing at the midfielder’s legs unrelentingly for the last two evenings, proving extremely counter effective. Expect him to be on the bench.

Steven Gerrard has been locked in exchange of nods between himself and his own reflection in the mirror for 10pm yesterday, where he wished himself goodnight. Unwilling to break scouse law and not return a nod, the coaching staff have been so far unsuccessful in their attempts to tear him away, making it touch-and-go whether or not they can do so before this evening’s fixture.

Jack Butland, who spent the entire plane journey yelling “WHY AM I HERE?!” to nobody in particular, has fallen into a deep existential crisis. After reading all of the works of Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, Butland has began work on his first novel about a young goalkeeper who massacres his entire team and then shrugs because it doesn’t matter.

Manager Roy Hodgson has taken to standing on the sidelines, popping a Werther’s Original in his mouth then glazing over and going ‘ahhhhhh’ for upwards of five minutes, before he repeats the process with another. England’s medical staff are worried that he has “given himself every type of diabetes” with this behaviour.

Michael Owen has sporadically turned up disguised as an unconvincing Danny Welbeck in an attempt to break back into the England squad, momentarily confusing former captain John Terry who was unsure whether to racially abuse pass to him or not.

Jordan Henderson has been unable to go outdoors due to the intense amount of Ukrainian paparazzi who have been following him, believing him to be someone else more noteworthy. Sid from Toy Story perhaps.

Theo Walcott has been running around the perimeter of the training camp yelling “Look how fast I am! Look!” for no obvious reason or use. Expect more of the same if he starts later.

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Goal line technology’s staunch opposition

Andy Carroll’s headed effort in yesterday’s FA Cup Final reignited the debate over goal line technology once more. I say reignited, it has been raging on for quite some time now. Perhaps it is fairer to say that Andy Carroll’s headed effort found more fuel and burnt some more of the surrounding environment to a crispy ash, leaving many people homeless.

“Why don’t bladdy FIFA just introduce bladdy goal line technology already?” cried all of nation’s blokes-down-the-pub collectively en masse.

It has come to Shilts’ learned* attention that plans afoot to introduce goal line technology and appease the self appointed spokesmen of football have been prevented, not as a result of Sepp Blatter’s mixture of trademark incompetence and unwavering Luddite attitude, but rather due to a press boycott.

Though seemingly appearing to champion such reforms through giving every marginal incident such extensive coverage that the actual game itself is long forgotten, the media have aligned themselves directly against any changes for precisely this reason.

“If goal line technology was introduced, what the bollocks would we talk about after a game?!” muttered Mark Lawrenson, in an exclusive interview (with someone else). He may have muttered this, but Shilts was listening through a wall and has hearing difficulties, so the quote may not be verbatim.

“They would expect opinion and insight! We can’t give that! Rugby has video technology, have you ever seen rugby punditry? They merely shrug and say ‘that was a game of rugby’ after the game and that’s it. I want to get say how ridiculous a difficult decision is over and over again, despite having access to multiple video replays and still not coming to any conclusive conclusion, and then insist that the moment could have ‘changed the outcome entirely’.” argues Andy Townsend, displaying rare opinion and insight.

“Had Lampard’s goal against Germany been given, we would have had to find an entirely different reason to blame for England’s inevitable loss,” admitted one tabloid journalist. “These possible referring blunders are the sorts of decisions which mean we don’t have to analyse tactics and player performance beyond a few basic statistics and bias assertions. Football is all about opinion, not actual football, that’s the beauty of the game, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Beauty of the game. Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…” Shilts backed away as the journalist proceeded to enter a trance like stasis.

So there you have it. Video technology will not be introduced so that we can get more outraged at possibly incorrect decisions and express our outrage that we have to express our outrage at these possibly incorrect opinions in an ad nauseam loop. That’s what football’s all about though really isn’t it? Opinion. Isn’t it?…

Carroll fails to score a goal. Correct call. No technology needed.

The entire ball blatantly didn’t go over the line.

*read: ill-informed

Arsene Wenger: “I will not change approach”

Aggrieved at watching their side throw away another title, like a Sergio Ramos covered in grease and precariously perched above an infinite crevice as a masked gunman bursts in and orders everyone to put their hands up or he’ll shoot, Arsenal fans have expressed yet more frustration towards manager Arsene Wenger’s refusal to compromise tactically.

Yet, speaking exclusively* to Perez Shilton, the Frenchman has once again vowed to stick with his tactics: “I have developed a vision here at Arsenal Football Club and intend to see it through.

“Long have pundits claimed that my teams try to ‘pass-it-into-the-net’, but this is simply not true. My teams try to ‘pass-around-the-area-of-the-net-then-give-it-to-Bendtner-who-tries-to-bicycle-kick-the-ball-even-though-it’s-on-the-floor-then-allow-the-opposition-to-hoof-it-clear-and-sometimes-score-as-a-result’ so I will not listen to anymore of this ‘pass-it-in’ nonsense, that tactic would never work!

The patented 'Wenger Manoeuvre'

“People may also criticise my recent tactical decision to allow the opposition to score goals late on which prevent us winning the match, but I stand by it. Once the players get used to and gain valuable experience in it by, say, next season, it will reap dividends. The players will have matured by then.

“People also say ‘Oh! Arsene! You’ve  been saying that your players will have matured and grown in experience by next season every season since Denilson was 9, this group of players aren’t young anymore, enough excuses, sort it out!’ But I say to them; look at Squillaci, only 30 years old and with plenty of time to develop into a not entirely rubbish centre back. And Emmanuel Eboué, only 27, shows me everyday in training the promise to develop into the successful folk singer songwriter we always knew he would be when we brought him to this club.

“Every summer, people come up to me and say ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you buy in established talent?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, when are you gonna spend all that money you’ve never had?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, why don’t you melt Tomas Rosicky down and use him as a doorstop for the changing rooms or perhaps a mobile phone antennae?’ or ‘Oh hey Arsene, can you put some clothes on and get off our lawn, you’re scaring my kids?’ and I’m so sick of it. When have I listened to any of these things? Never.

“So fuck off.”

*And fictionally

Transfer Deadline Day Live!(ish)

PhotobucketAs has become the norm, every deadline day Perez Shilton hands over blog duties to resident transfer expert Little Johnny who, as is the norm, chooses to report over increasingly unconventional hours. This time; from 15:45 to whenever he gets bored

15.45: Liverpool set to offer £35 million, Steven Gerrard’s limbs and Anfield in order to secure the services of Andy Carroll. Bit of a gamble.

15.49: My mate has just seen Edgar Davids get on the wrong bus after forgetting his glasses. He’s now travelling to Staines, maybe a move’s on the cards?

15.54: My uncle owns a kebab shop in Hereford and swears that Fernando Torres just came in and ordered a lamb doner. Then was sick everywhere.

16.16: Sorry for the delay, I saw something shiny and chased after it. I spoke to Harry Redknapp re Carroll’s transfer and he said: “£35 mil? Do you know how many times I could buy Pascal Chimbonda for that? Once. Then I’d sell him.”

16.19: Just seen Richard Dunne sheepishly enter an adult bookstore in Doncaster, then run out again crying.

16.22: Kevin Nolan is annoyed by Carroll’s departure as it means Shoala Ameobi now has to read to his kids instead. Shoala can’t read.

16.25: Arsene Wenger looks to continue his trend of signing shit French centre backs with his desperate pursuit of Jean Alain Boumsong. On mopeds.

16.33: This has been sent in by my mate Craig: “Ello jon, cn u come out l8r? plus i just saw michael essien in a park pleasuring himself”. After selling Andy Carroll, Newcastle will be looking to replenish their quota of players with criminal records, as is their tradition.

16.35: Avid reader Phil has sent in this: “Just seen Franny Jeffers in a sombrero! He looked well silly!” Thanks Phil…

16.39: My other uncle, a taxi driver (he exists I tell you!), apparently has Fernando Torres in the back and has been trying to find Stamford Bridge for 4 hours and has ended up at a Redditch motorway service station.

16.42: Tottenham have signed veteran striker Rod Stewart on a two year deal.

16.45: More news on the Fernando Torres taxi saga; they’re currently pulled in at a lay by as a head gaskett has blown. Nando’s happily munching on Hobknobs though.

16.48: Bad luck Birmingham, new loan signing Obafemi Martins has apparently failed a medical due to being ‘dead for at least 3 years.’

16.52: Sir Alex Ferguson is having considerable difficulty acquiring Charlie Adam as he is in the middle of a twenty five minute coughing fit on the phone after choking on a Ginsters.

16.57: Gary Neville has apparently shot down a rare bird with a bb gun over Kilmarnock and is now facing a court case with the RSPCA.

17.00: The time has come when Little Johnny has become bored. He is currently jamming Playdough up his nose, but wants to leave you with a few predictions of transfers to come later on; “Furious bidding war to escalate over John Aldridge. You can bet yo’ ass.” For legal reasons, Perez Shilton advises you not to bet your anus.

Exclusive: Interview with Andy Gray in which he apologises, then tries to explain his sexist comments

Following Richard Key’s successful interview on talkSPORT Radio in which he succeeded in not making his continued employment by Sky completely untenable and wasn’t forced to resign due to his ability to skilfully and humbly absolve himself of the needlessly derisive comments he made about linesman Sian Massey, Key’s partner in misogyny, Andy Gray, similarly decided to speak to highly respected news source Perez Shilton to likewise clear his name.

Perez Shilton: Andy! How have you been?

Andy Gray: I’m sorr-eh. Alreet? I’m sorr-eh.

PS: Okay…

AG: Aye said ayem sorr-eh. Wut more deh yeh want? Aye accept noow that vaginafolk have their place in the football.

PS: Vaginafolk? That’s not very PC of-

AG: AYE SAID AYE AM SORR-EH! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT D’YA WANT?! IT WERE JUST BANTER MATE!

PS: Ah, well if it was just banter then fair enough.

AG: Thank ye. Finally. People are allowed t’make discriminatory prejudiced personal attacks when it’s jus’ banter. Aye though’ everyone knew tha’.

PS: What do you make of the accusations that sexism is rife in the game?

AG: Oh aye.

PS: You agree?

AG: Aye jus’ said oh aye didn’ aye? Aye think forcin’ women to do jobs, such as officiating in football matches, that are way too advanced for them is beyond sexist. It’s inhumane.

PS: So you’re saying that it is sexist to employ female linesmen?

AG: Lessen-

PS: Lessen?

AG: Lessen! Wi’ yer ears ye daft twat!

PS: Oh right… listen-

AG: Yeh, lessen. Soccer is a game made by man, much like sperm. Now are yoo tellin’ me that yoo want women to make sperm ye sick bastard?!

PS: …Erm, no, no I don’t think I am…

AG: Right. Now you try and find me a woman who wants to spunk everywhere.

PS: Hilary Swank’s character in Boys Don’t Cry?

AG: Exactly. No one. Now I bet ye can’t find a single woman who wants t’run around on the sideline wavin’ a flag with her good cooking hand an’ guessin’ when someone’s offside. They should nae be forced to do it an’ it’s totally unfair on them. And that’s why aye’ve decided to set up my own campaign tryin’ to stamp out this blatant sexism that’s ruining our game. It’s called ‘Take A Bow (Out Of The Game Because You’re Not A) Son, Take A Bow‘.

PS: Wow! I’m impressed.

AG: Ye should be. We’re doin’ all sorts of fundraisers. Richard (Keys) is gonna get breast implants fer a month and I’m going to shave a vagina into my pubes!

PS: Sounds charitable!

AG: To tell ye the trooth Perez, I really like this philanthropy stuff, it makes me feel good inside. Like aye am makin’ a difference ye know? I might even try an’ move in teh other areas that aren’t just sexism.

PS: Yeah?

AG: Yeah, aye was speakin’ to me mate Ron Atkinson who also got fired fer comments he made off air. He wants t’start an education program for black people and provide them with furniture for them t’sit in as they are all inherently lazy.

PS:

AG: Hello? (We were conducting the interview over the phone and I was being silent you see)

PS: Bye Andy. (At this point I tried hanging up on him, however I pressed the wrong button and accidentally put him on loudspeaker instead. I then proceeded to make several derogatory comments about Gray. He took offence at my claims that he was a crap pundit who looks like a fat version of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, stating that these comments went ‘beyond banter’,  and is threatening me with legal action due to the stress I have caused him. It’s a fucking stitch up I tell you).

DISCLAIMER: Perez Shilton’s phone has recently been playing up, meaning that he cannot hear anything anyone ever says on his end of the phone and that entire conversations are inaudible. As a result, he may or may not have panicked and completely made up all the words in this interview. He might even have also dialled the wrong number originally and instead conducted this interview with his mate Sexist Alan, who is next to Andy Gray in his phonebook, by mistake.

Sort of Looks Like #9: Salomon Kalou and Junior from Cool Runnings

Being beaten 3-1 by your London rivals is rarely a good thing, but Salomon Kalou can console himself thanks to Perez Shilton with the knowledge that he sort of looks like Rawle D. Lewis, aka Junior in Cool Runnings. Notable scene; “Pride, power, a badass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody” speech. Makes you want to go out and kick a bin over in rage, sending litter everywhere! Take that society! Then conscientiously pick up the bin and put all the litter back in it again.

Junior Bevil                                              Salomon Kalou

First look: Mario Balotelli’s new self help book on popularity

Beloved Manchester City forward Mario Balotelli is a charming man who knows how to get people to like him, anyone can see this just by looking at his track record; in his relatively few twenty years as a person he has:

-Fallen out with then manager Jose Mourinho whilst at Inter due to a perceived lack of effort.
-Been pictured wearing Inter’s arch rival’s AC Milan’s shirt.
-Thrown his shirt on the ground in response to fans booing his poor performance in Inter’s Champions League Semi Final defeat to Barcelona last year, leading to a group of supporters trying to physically assault him after the game.
-Joined Manchester City.
-Had a fight with teammate Jerome Boateng.
-Upon winning this year’s FIFA Golden Boy trophy, an award for young talent, he claimed not to have heard of runner up Jack Wilshere and said that he was far more deserving of the award than previous winners bar Lionel Messi, who include Cesc Fabregas and Wayne Rooney.
-Said he regrets moving to Manchester City, just five months into his Eastlands career.

With this phenomenal CV of popularity boosting antics, Shilts decided to set up a publishing house and has commissioned Balotelli to pen a range of self help books. You Perez Shilton readers are lucky enough to catch an exclusive glimpse at excerpts from his first book; “How To Be As Cool And Awesome And Bamf And Have As Many Friends As Me, Mario Balotelli, By Mario Balotelli”

“If a woman asks if she looks good in her new dress which she has bought to raise her spirits and make herself feel good after a series of harrowing events, firmly tell her that no, no she doesn’t. When she, taken aback, laughs at your comment, believing it to be in jest, reaffirm her that you are being serious and that you never joke about things. Then produce an air rifle and proclaim; ‘I will now shoot your dog, whom you love very dearly.’ Then shoot her dog. She will see that you are a man of your word, whilst falling for your honesty and your unwillingness to pander to basic human politeness and decency.”

“If a young child asks for an autograph, calmly spit in his face and pose the thought; ‘Would you ask Mother Teresa to scrawl her name on a piece of paper whilst she was tending to the sick and disabled? No. Then don’t bother me while I’m looking for new stereos in Currys you horrible selfish little arse.’ The people around you will be astounded by your astute reading of the situation and of the way you allowed time out from your busy schedule to impart wisdom on a minor.”

“Sit at the back of funerals being held for people you don’t know and loudly burst into laughter when anyone giving a moving speech starts to cry, then sarcastically mock them by putting your hands to your eyes, closing your fists and pretending to cry, chiding the words ‘boo hoo’. Tell them to get over it. People will take your humour in good jest and also find solace in your words. Then eat all the nibbles at the wake afterwards. This will make whoever took the effort in making them feel appreciated and explain to the other guests that they should be glad they were denied any as they are all probably on diets as they are all morbidly fat.”

“A similar tactic I like to employ is to attend weddings of people you don’t know and object when it is asked if anyone has any reason for the bride and groom to not be lawfully married. Claim that you are having a steamy affair with either the bride or groom and that there’s no way that you will allow them to marry someone without first thinking of the child you had together. Their marriage was probably bound to fail in the long run anyway and they will be appreciative rather than begrudging that you stopped them from entering probable marital hell, rather than only slightly possible true happiness. Try and find some animal excrement in the nearby area (failing this, your own will suffice) and smear it all over the guests’ cars. Not for any reason in particular, just for shits and giggles.”

And if that tantalising preview wasn’t enough for you rabid lot, well, then I’m sorry. That’s all he gave me. It’s the entire manuscript.