Schoolboy Match Reports: England 1 – 1 France Euro 2012

Shilts hands over to the self proclaimed voice of the self proclaimed voices of the internet, football forum expert and 6 year old; Little Johnny for a recap of all the action from Monday’s Group D game between England and France. THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR™

England 1 (Lescott, 30) – 1 France (Nasri, 38)

“It is Engerland kicking off their first game of the tournament, but where is Andrew Carol???? He is so good because he was bad all year but then he played in the FA Cup Finals and people say ‘no, he is good now he is offering England something else up front’ like coupons or something. Instead they are playing Daniel Wellbecks and my friend from school Al Oxslide Chainberlin. Mr Evans was very angry as he was ringing up sick and saying he couldn’t come in today but then there he is in the telly! Mr Evans says he will beat him when he gets back.

We are starting the game and Frank Riberstein is scaring Glen Johns every time he walks up to him and looks in Glen’s eyes. Glen kept screaming and saying ‘What is it?? What is it?!” and while he wasn’t looking Sammy Nasir had a shot but it was not a goal shot it was a goal kick shot and everyone is breathing a sigh of relief except the French fans who all hissed at once and covered the pitch in greb, but the commentary man says it is all about Engerland so we do not care about the French fans as they do not exist.

Al then got the ball and used the trick stick to go round two players but then he is thinking ‘if I score this, it will be the greatest goal of ever and it will be in a compilation DVD presented by Gareth Linachre’ and his greediness means he loses the ball. In school he never lets me have any of his crisps as he says his mum says he will get germs if he shares, so we spit in his packet when he isn’t looking and hope he gets chicken pox.

Then the commentary man says something amazing has happened: ENGERLAND HAVE SCORED! My dad jumped up and punched our lamp in happiness and it shattered everywhere and a bit of the glass hit me and made me bleed and mum said ‘what is wrong with you?’ and he said ‘fuck off I am enjoying the football’ and then they didn’t speak to each other all day. Stephence Gerhard is there with the free kick, he wooshes it in and Les Cott is there to power in the ball with his magic head that has a mystic triangle in it which makes him think faster than everyone but also a bit weird looking like a vegetable.

Everyone then says that it will be our year and that Roy Hodgsman is the best Hodgsman for the job as we are going to win Euro 2012! But then Sammy Nasir goes up the other end and is scoring and then putting his finger to his lips hoping that everyone will be quiet and enjoy his goal, but the crowd just keep making noise and he keeps shhhing them but they will not be quiet and in the end he gives up and walks home to the French half.

Then, even though I know Engerland are the most exciting team in the world to watch all the time, the game becomes really boring, even when Jordan Hendersman comes on who is the best football player that all of the fans want to see. Then it ends and nobody noticed and they all went ‘oh, it’s ended.’ and then walked off. I CAN’T WAIT FOR MORE OF THE FOOTBALL EURO 2012!